I was twenty-three years old when I found myself lurking in a deep mud of frustration and disappointments. That was a year ago.
I was sad and lonely. I felt like I had nowhere to go. I was completely in shame that I wanted to kill myself by suffocating myself with my pillow until i lose my breath.
Do you know what the reasons were?
First of all, I was jobless then. I was part of the growing number of unemployed and dependent Filipinos. And because I did not have a job, there was no source of income. I was broke. I can’t help the family to pay the rent, the wireless service and other necessary expenses. I felt so useless. A degree holder at that.
Secondly, having said that, I felt like I totally disappointed my parents and all those who helped me get through with college.
And lastly, I couldn’t even date the girl that I like because I do not have the means to do so. I was a jerk; a bummed out, contemptibly obnoxious person. But this dating thing is the least of all my concerns. Yes, just so you know.
I was so desperate to get a job and earn for myself and my family.
I have gone through a lot of exams and interviews. I ran from one appointment to another. I took so many train rides just to “sell” myself to those companies that invited me over for endless mind-boggling assessments and nerve-wrecking interviews. I did my best in all of those exams and interviews.I was hopeful (and still desperate). I kept on praying and asking God to help me get out of that faith-draining struggle.
At that moment, I felt like God didn’t want to answer me. I used to think then that God was playing deaf on me.
Basically, all my hopes were equaled to frustration and depression. I lose track of my faith and worst, I started to question God. I became Habakkuk at that point of my life.
How long, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? – Habakkuk 1
My faith was running low like a car gradually losing gas along a deserted highway.
Though I started to lose hope and gain a lot of disbelief, there was this little voice that always told me not to give up but continue to trust God all through out that challenge.
In the middle of that chaos, I chose to bring my faith back in the game and hope in the Lord’s great promises. Just as God answered Habakkuk’s question, he told me:
Be utterly amazed for I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told. – Habakkuk 5
Life is not easy all the time. The ups and downs are normal and are, therefore, inevitable. Though trials poured out all at the same time, so did God’s grace and mercy.
It it weren’t through those storms that I have gone through, I would not have developed this stronger relationship with Jesus, my Lord.
And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. – Romans 5:4
I was saved and taken out from darkness.
In my brokenness, God continued to give me great opportunities.
And now, I have got a job and I am enjoying it so far! Everyday, I always tell myself to work for His glory.
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters. – Colossians 2:3
I just can’t thank Him enough for being so kind to me no matter how many gazillion times that I have doubted Him and his promises in the Bible. God is good all the time, and all the time, God is the best!
Jhonn Robert, 23, is a Filipino writer, his family’s official dishwasher, and a powerful servant of God, who always hopes that the best is still yet to come.