I have a confession to make.
Yesterday, I turned my back against God. Why? Simply because He does not seem to answer my prayers.
I know that He knows how strong and hardcore my prayers were. I continually asked the things that I need, in Jesus’ Name, but I felt like He is not listening to me.
And so, I shut my world out of Him. He’s deaf anyway. He does not care anyway. He is dead anyway. These were my thoughts.
I decided to shun all the things that may bring me back to Him – those worship songs, prayers, quotes that I see on Facebook and Twitter, and even church. I completely ignored them all.
“Since He does not answer my prayers, it’s time to let go of Him. His promises are not real. Those words in the bible are just like those I have learned from our poetry class. Everything is a fallacy!”. This is how terrific my thoughts were. I was so angry at God for not hearing my prayers, for not helping me in this time of need.
I used to think that He will help me; that my breakthrough is coming. Until now, there is none. I felt so empty and really unattended by this God whom I was wasting time on.
A powerful force of envy was within me. While other people look so happy and successful with their lives, I was feeling the opposite.
At that point I thought I was going crazy; that I needed psychological counseling.
I just shrugged and left myself in a miserable status. Last night, I slept with a very heavy heart. I did not even pray before sleeping. What for?
I had an intimate relationship with Jesus. I knew Him to be my Lord. I accepted Him as my Savior. I read His Word and I admit that I struggled to keep them always in my heart. But I still believed in Him.
My relationship with Him brought me joy and peace that the world cannot give me. He was my happiness. His Word was my hope and anchor of love.
Today I woke up with a heavier heart, much heavier than it was last night.
I felt a huge difference in my life since my God and I broke up yesterday. Right then, I have realized that losing Him isn’t right; that it is such a disgrace not to have Him in my life even for just a day!
I felt that way not because I got used to having Him in my life before, but deep in my heart, I felt that there was really something that is lacking. I felt like I am no longer human. I felt dirty and fetid without Him. Jesus is my fragrance and I could not afford to lose Him.
I looked like a fool. I just laughed at the thought of tempting God by ignoring Him. (Maybe if I won’t pray and just ignore Him, things that I want to happen will happen. I can do it on my own).
Well. I was so wrong.
I wrote this to tell the world that I may have forsaken Him but when I decided to return to Him, He still accepted me. A day of ignoring Him is like a billion years of keeping a miserable life. Escaping Him is such a hard thing to do. He is everywhere. His love will follow me wherever I ‘d go. Thank You Jesus.
Jesus answered, “It is said: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.” – Luke 4:12
Nevertheless, I am thankful that I have experienced this. It is through this that I have learned how I intensely needed God in my life.
My prayers may not be answered in my own time frame, but God knows much better and He will still provide for me.
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. – Romans 8:24-30
You say, “I choose the appointed time; it is I who judge uprightly. – Psalm 75:2