“It will forever be in your system”.
Those were the words of my rehab doctor.
Until now, her voice resounds in my ear, as if she’s right in front of me, explaining my condition.
Late last year, I started to experience a different kind of pain on my lower back. I feel a tingling sensation from the lowest portion of my spine down to my thighs.
I thought it was just a normal back pain; some kind of a muscle spasm because of my being so hardworking. Haha!
But then this year, it got worse.
And it got even worse when I did a jump shot while I was in a lone island in Bohol. Yes, I was that stupid. Ha! Ha! I traveled back to Manila almost crawling and dragging my heavy back and legs. I can barely stand and walk well. It made feel so worried.
That was one of the hardest moments of my life.
So when we arrived in manila, I decided to see an orthopedic surgeon.
I was advised to undergo a Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) test. Then results came and it said that I have a herniated or slipped disc which causes pain on my back and thighs.
I was advised by the surgeon to undergo physical therapy for a month.
Before starting the therapy, a rehab doctor told me that this has been occurring in my body for the longest time and this is just now that I started to feel the pain.
It was not caused by the jump shot alone.
She even told me that I am too young to have this kind of abnormality on my back.
“It will forever be in your system. Marami pang dekada ang pagdaraanan nito. I just hope that it does not get worse as you age”, she said.
While she was saying those words, I wanted to shut her mouth up and ask her “so what are we going to do now?”.
The Point of Breaking and Questioning
Here I go again.
This ground looks and feels familiar to me. I have been here a lot of times in the past.
And now, I am here again.
This is called the place of breaking and questioning.
I felt like the world has collapsed before my very eyes.
But then a voice was telling me, “Jhonn, be thankful.”
“HOW CAN I BE THANKFUL WHEN I AM IN PAIN?”, my soul gushes towards the voice. #capslockparaintense
I was reminded by the scripture:
Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. – 1 Thessalonians 5:18
It’s easy to say it but during that moment, I had difficulty processing the attitude of gratefulness. It seemed like worries buried me alive.
I started to ask many questions like why me? Why this kind of pain? Why now?
But then, a voice kept on encouraging me to be thankful.
I think God also asked me, “Will you still choose to believe in Me?”.
The Enduring and the Blessed Assurance
Now, I am in the place of enduring.
The pain is still there. Fears are coming back and forth but I believe that God is going to draw near me.
This morning, I opened the bible app on my phone. The scriptures say:
And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, He will Himself restore you, secure you, strengthen you, and establish you. To Him be the power forever and ever. Amen. – 1 Peter 5
That is what I call the “blessed assurance”.
In the middle of my worrying, fearing about my life, and questioning Him, He still assured me that everything is going to be well.
This is the time when I truly need his restoration, his security, and strength.
It’s just so amazing how God sends me His message when I need the most.
There might be something that is happening in my physical body, but something bigger is happening on my spirituality.
And I am getting stronger because God told me so.